Twitter releases records of DMs between President Trump and President Putin in time for the 100-year anniversary of the Russian Revolution
What good are you to me here, Donny? I need you there. I paid you to be there.
October 18, 2017 (Published on The Haven)
WHAT CAN HELP THE RUSSIAN PRESIDENT WITH HIS IMAGE ABROAD
"I am short. I only say this because I’d like President Putin to understand that I am offering this insight with the best possible intentions in mind. We, the height-challenged persons, need to watch out for each other. And, although for the past several years Mr. Putin has been the perfect incarnation of virility and power—shirtless photos, tiny submarine submersions, and well-photographed exercise routine speak for themselves—the three strategies I am about to offer will boost his popularity in the West while solving important world problems along the way." (Published in the Daily Squib)
"If you are posted as a diplomat of a certain superpower to the Russian Federation, be aware. You will be watched. Day and night, night and day you will be watched. There’ll even be some evenings and afternoons when this will happen. Be mindful of your surroundings, but most importantly, learn to live in the world where your life is an open book." (Published in Hobo Pancakes)
T O P S E C R E T
SUBJECT: POLITICAL APPOINTEE HANDBOOK
Classified By: Secretary of State.
1. Summary: In recent days Ambassadorial political appointments have been receiving unprecedented attention from both the mainstream press and satirical news outlets. To prevent further deterioration of this situation and a possible shift of focus from the incompetence of the nominees to current political Ambassadors behaving badly, we urge you to go through this handbook. End Summary (First published in now defunct Neutrons Protons; now re-printed on Medium)
DEAR PRESIDENT OBAMA,
I UNDERSTAND THAT THE SENATE IS NOW ON A LONG SUMMER RECESS AND WON’T BE GETTING BACK TO NOT-CONFIRMING YOUR AMBASSADORIAL NOMINEES UNTIL SOMETIME AFTER THE 8TH OF SEPTEMBER. YOU HAVE A GOOD FEW WEEKS TO CHANGE WHATEVER MISGUIDED APPOINTMENTS YOU MAY HAVE MADE, AND THUS, I WOULD LIKE TO HUMBLY NOMINATE MYSELF FOR A POST OF AN AMBASSADOR. (Published in McShoutys)